


You be the Moon (I'll be the Earth)

by fangirlscribbles



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Angst, I'm Sorry, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, post-trk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-11
Updated: 2016-12-15
Packaged: 2018-09-07 22:09:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8818015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fangirlscribbles/pseuds/fangirlscribbles
Summary: Adam and Ronan. Ronan and Adam. How they fall apart, and how they're meant for each other.





	1. Falling Apart - Adam

**Author's Note:**

> Just thought, like, "how would this whole college thing go if Ronan continued sucking at communicating in any other form than in person?"  
> Might have exaggerated it a little, but bear with me
> 
> Also I haven't proof-read this so please point it out if you spot any mistakes :)  
> Also also kudos to you if you know where the title is from!

Summer was beautiful, until it wasn’t. Adam wanted to go to college – Ronan wanted him to stay. Adam was optimistic at first, suggesting Ronan come with him, but Ronan refused to leave and it wasn’t like Adam couldn’t see why. The farm and Opal and Chainsaw and Matthew were all here in Henrietta and weren’t about to leave anytime soon.  
  
It was the first time they fought, and Adam sincerely hoped it would be the last.  
  
“God, you’re so _stubborn_!” Adam yelled, hands balled into fists.  
  
Ronan sneered at him, but his voice was calm when he spoke. “Pot, kettle.”  
  
It took nearly a day and a half for both of them to calm down. Adam spent the time at his apartment, ranting to himself about what an idiot Ronan was. Ronan spent it at the Barns, ranting to Opal about what an idiot Adam was.  
  
In the end, it was Gansey who brought them together and forced them to reconcile. It was always Gansey. He called Adam and told him to get his ass to Monmouth and he picked up Ronan, since he wouldn’t answer his phone.  
  
When they got there, Gansey declared that it was games-and-movie night. Blue and Henry were already there.  
  
“It’s not even midday yet,” Ronan pointed out, nodding his head toward the bright morning sun outside.  
  
Gansey just scrunched up his nose a little. “Does it matter?”  
  
And it didn’t. Apparently, it also didn’t matter that Ronan and Adam had had their first fight just the day before. When Ronan saw him, he smiled a little and slipped his hand into Adam’s. Adam squeezed it, and that was it. It was like the fight had never happened.  
  
At the end of the night, Ronan came with Adam to his apartment. They stood awkwardly in the doorway for a few minutes, holding hands and exchanging chaste kisses.  
  
“Are you going back to the Barns?” Adam asked quietly, when he thought it was getting late.  
  
Ronan sighed softly, leaning in to kiss Adam again. “Do I have to?”  
  
Adam could barely keep from smiling. “No.”  
  
So Ronan stayed. Adam’s bed was small and sleeping together was cramped, but that didn’t stop them.  
  
They woke up with the sun, bathing them in a golden light. Adam blinked sleepily at Ronan and sighed, content.  
  
“You’re beautiful,” he murmured. Ronan’s eyes widened just a little – Adam wouldn’t have noticed it if he wasn’t so close – and then his lips parted in a smile.  
  
It was a smile that took Adam’s breath away, a smile he was fairly sure no one who knew Ronan had thought him capable of. Sleepy and soft and genuinely happy.  
  
It was, quite possibly, the last beautiful summer day that year. Adam spent the day with Ronan and Opal and Chainsaw at the Barns and they were _happy_. By the end of the day, they even managed to discuss Adams fast-approaching going away without getting irritated.  
  
“There has to be a solution,” Adam said, curled up on one end of the couch. Ronan was sprawled next to him, and Opal slept on the other end. “I don’t want to lose you.”  
  
Ronan hummed. “I don’t want to lose you either.”  
  
Adam reached out to take his hand, squeezing it between his own. “So I leave, and you stay here. Then I come back to you.”  
  
Ronan stayed silent, but he nodded. He didn’t look at Adam, and Adam didn’t look at him.  
  
“You have to answer your phone sometimes,” Adam said. “I don’t think I could make it without hearing your voice.”  
  
“Okay,” said Ronan, and that was it.  
  
Adam left two days later, anxious but hopeful. Ronan kissed him goodbye, said he’d miss him. Gansey, Blue, Henry and Opal hugged him, said he had to call and send postcards and photos. Adam promised. Ronan kissed him again, longer this time. Adam left.

 

 

 

The first two weeks flew by. Adam was so caught up in getting to know people and learning how to find his way around campus that he completely forgot about calling Ronan. So on Friday the third week, Adam finally called.  
  
Ronan didn’t pick up.  
  
Adam was disappointed, but it wasn’t completely unexpected. Ronan had not, after all, promised to watch over his phone like a hawk – only to pick up sometimes.  
  
He called again on Saturday, and again Ronan didn’t pick up. Adam resigned himself to wait until some day during the week.  
  
But Ronan didn’t pick up on Tuesday, or Thursday, or Sunday. Adam sent texts that Ronan didn’t even read. He sent an email, describing his classes and his dorm room, and telling the most embarrassing tales he could remember about his new friends.  
  
Adam waited, patiently, several weeks, but there was no reply from Ronan.  
  
He made one last try on a Friday evening, when his roommate was out. To his utter surprise, someone picked up – but it wasn’t Ronan.  
  
“Hello?” said Gansey, and Adam wasn’t sure if it felt worse or better than no answer at all.  
  
“Hi,” Adam said. His voice was quieter than he’d intended. “Is Ronan there?”  
  
There was a pause. “Yeah. But you know how he despises phones.”  
  
Adam sighed. “Yeah, I know. Just… tell him I miss him.” He hated how small his voice sounded.  
  
“Just a sec.”  
  
He could hear Gansey talking, farther from the phone now. He could hear Ronan’s voice answering, and it made his heart flutter and his stomach clench. He closed his eyes tightly when he felt there was a risk he’d get tears in them.  
  
Gansey came back on the phone. “He misses you too.”  
  
Adam tried, unsuccessfully, to swallow the lump in his throat. He asked, “then why doesn’t he call?” and the tears that were now falling from his eyes were obvious in his shaky voice.  
  
Gansey sighed. “I don’t know. I don’t think he knows either,” he said quietly. “Just… hold on, okay? It’s Christmas break soon, right? You’ll come home and you’ll talk and it’ll be fine.”  
  
Adam wasn’t so sure, but he took a deep breath, nodding to himself.  
  
“Yeah, okay. I’ll see you then.”  
  
He hung up before Gansey could say anything more. It was the first time in a long while that he cried himself to sleep.

 

 

Three weeks later, it was Christmas break. Adam’s mood was better than it had been since October as he packed up his things and got into the car. It wasn’t even that far from Henrietta to the college he’d chosen, a mere four hour drive. He wondered briefly what it was that made it so impossible for Ronan to come visit him, if he didn’t want to talk on the phone, but put such thoughts aside. He’d see Ronan today, and he didn’t want to be in a foul mood when he did.  
  
He drove directly to the Barns, thinking he’d have a bigger chance at finding Ronan there than Monmouth. And he was right – just as he killed the engine and went to open his door, Ronan came outside. Adam froze for a moment at the sight of him, standing in the doorway. He was wearing one of the old sweaters Adam had left behind and fuzzy socks, and he was so beautiful it hurt.  
  
For a minute, they just stared at each other. Then Adam got out of the car, got his backs from the back, and went up to him.  
  
“Hi,” he breathed, standing close enough to feel the warmth radiating from Ronan’s body, or maybe the room behind him.  
  
Ronan didn’t say anything – he just reached his hands out and grabbed Adam by the shoulders, pulling him against him and kissing him desperately. Adam gasped into his mouth and dropped his bag, wrapping his icy fingers behind Ronan’s neck. Ronan hissed and backed into the house, pulling Adam with him without breaking the kiss.  
  
“God, I missed you,” Ronan said when he finally pulled away. He was looking at Adam with something like wonder in his eyes.  
  
Adam wanted to cry. Instead, he smiled and leaned in to kiss Ronan again.  
  
“I missed you too,” he murmured against Ronan’s warm, soft lips.  
  
It was a beautiful day. Adam spent it kissing Ronan and breathing him in, playing games with Opal and examining the things Ronan had dreamed up since Adam left. There was rather a big amount of dream gifts for Adam, or things that reminded Ronan of him.  
  
They didn’t talk about how Ronan hadn’t picked up his phone, or read Adam’s texts or answered his email.  
  
The whole Christmas break passed in a similar manner. There was lots of kissing and sex and sleeping. On Christmas Day, Gansey, Blue and Henry joined Adam and Ronan at the Barns and they exchanged gifts with each other, ate good food (half of it dream food, because Ronan was too lazy to cook for more than two people) and played games.  
  
When Adam went back to school, the goodbyes were the same as last time.  
  
“I’m sorry,” Ronan whispered in Adam’s ear after he kissed him. “I’ll try to pick up sometimes.”  
  
Adam just nodded, swallowing the lump in his throat, before he got into the car. He looked at Ronan. He wanted to say _I love you_ , but the words got stuck in his throat. Instead, he tried his best to convey it with his eyes. Ronan smiled as if he understood.  
  
Adam left.

 

 

Ronan didn’t pick up the first time Adam called. Adam thought okay, maybe he’s busy. Ronan didn’t pick up the second time. Adam thought okay, maybe he didn’t hear it. Ronan didn’t pick up the third time. Adam thought well, the Barns doesn’t always have great reception. Ronan didn’t pick up the fourth, or fifth, or eleventh time.  
  
Adam broke down.  
  
He sent a long and angry email to Ronan, chewing him out for not picking up his phone or reading Adam’s texts. He cried, and he yelled at his roommate for no reason, and he cried some more.  
  
Of course, Ronan didn’t reply. Adam didn’t even know if he’d read it.  
  
Adam sent Ronan a letter. It was only two sentences, and Adam didn’t even know if Ronan would read it.  
  
_I can’t do this. We’re over_.  
  
He didn’t return to Henrietta for spring break.


	2. Falling Apart - Ronan

Ronan felt completely lost. Adam was about to leave, and he didn’t know how to handle it. It burned somewhere in his gut, a feeling like sadness. Like fear. Ronan didn’t know how to react other than with anger.  
  
Adam suggested Ronan come with him, and god, Ronan _wanted_ it. He wanted it so badly. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t leave the Barns, or Opal, or Matthew. He couldn’t leave his dreams.  
  
So Adam left instead. Ronan said he’d pick up his phone sometimes, and he meant it. But then almost three weeks passed before Adam called, and he started feeling so insecure of himself, of Adam. What if Adam had already found someone new, someone better? And even if he hadn’t found someone new, Ronan wasn’t sure he could bear Adam talking about his new friends and his new life with more enthusiasm in his voice than had ever been directed at Ronan.  
  
So he didn’t pick up that first time, but he really did mean to pick up the second time. Only the second time he didn’t even notice until later, and he got too nervous to call Adam back. The third time, he was in the middle of an argument with Opal. The fourth time, he’d given up – feeling too scared about his screw-up, feeling like Adam was less real now than before. He didn’t read Adam’s texts for the same reason, scared he’d get hurt.  
  
He did read Adam’s email, with a sinking feeling in his stomach. It felt like Adam was slipping away from him, making a new life for himself somewhere else. A life that didn’t include things like small towns, dream boys and _Ronan_.  
  
Then Adam called one night when he was hanging out at Monmouth with Gansey and Blue. When Gansey saw Adam’s name on the screen, he looked up at Ronan with raised brows.  
  
“You’re not gonna answer?”  
  
Ronan just stared at him, but he didn’t stop him from reaching out and taking the phone. He stared at his hands, fingers laced together in his lap, as he heard Gansey tell Adam how he despised phones. It wasn’t entirely the truth, but Ronan wasn’t about to correct him.  
  
Especially not when Gansey turned to him, a worried expression on his face. He was such a mother hen.  
  
“Ronan? Adam says he misses you.”  
  
Ronan felt his shoulders tense. “Yeah.” He swallowed. “Tell him I miss him too.” He felt like crying, but held his tears back. He hadn’t cried in so long, he wouldn’t start now.  
  
When Adam and Gansey hung up, Ronan grabbed his phone and left. It was the first time in a long while that he street raced, against some stupid fucker who thought he could provoke Ronan to make a mistake through insulting his manliness.  
  
Looking back at the loser in the rearview mirror, Ronan only felt bitter and dismal.

 

 

When Adam came back, Ronan wasn’t sure what to feel at first. He stayed in the doorway, watching Adam get out of the car. He was so real, and so beautiful it hurt. Ronan wanted nothing more than to run to him, but he stayed where he was until Adam came up to him.  
  
“Hi,” Adam breathed, and God, that _voice_ – Ronan lost all self-control, grabbing Adam by the shoulders and kissing him like the world was about to end.  
  
Adam’s hands were cold against his neck, reminding him of the winter outside, and he pulled him into the house. When he pulled away to breathe, he could only stare. How could someone be so perfect?  
  
He wanted to tell Adam that, how perfect and beautiful he was, but the words that came out of his mouth were, “God, I missed you.”  
  
Adam kissed him back, mumbling, “I missed you too,” against Ronan’s mouth, and Ronan thought he could feel his heart breaking. It was too much happiness at once, too soon, more than he could handle, and it left him gasping for breath.  
  
He’d forgotten what it felt like to be around Adam, to be so relaxed and happy and content. What it felt like to be able to be only himself, all of himself, in front of another person. Ronan breathed it all in, tucked it away in his mind so he wouldn’t forget it. He would remember Adam’s face in the morning, lines from the sheets on his cheeks and forehead. He would remember what Adam smelled like, sweaty after playing with Opal and fresh out of the shower. He would remember the feeling of Adam’s lips against his, his hands in Adam’s hair, Adam’s soft, easy laugh. He would remember and treasure it all, and he would live until Adam came back again.  
  
When Adam left again, Ronan couldn’t remember why he hadn’t picked up the phone all those times Adam had called.  
  
“I’m sorry,” he murmured in Adam’s ear as they stood by his car. “I’ll try to pick up sometimes.”  
  
Adam just nodded, and Ronan prayed it was enough. But Adam looked at him with something like love in his eyes, and Ronan felt hope start to grow in his heart.

 

 

But then Adam actually called and Ronan found himself just staring at his phone, breath caught in his throat, until it stopped ringing. The next few times Adam called, Ronan missed it. The next time he noticed Adam called it, he reacted the same way as the first time.  
  
Adam sent him an email, yelling at him for not picking up. Ronan read it with his heart in his throat, getting surer by the minute that he’d made a fatal mistake, that he’d lost Adam forever. He promised himself that the next time Adam called, he would pick up. He _would_ , dammit, no matter how scared he was.  
  
Adam didn’t call again. Instead, Ronan got a letter. Opal came running with it one morning, hooved feet clattering against the floor. She looked so excited.  
  
“It’s from Adam,” she breathed, eyes shining.  
  
Ronan felt a flutter of hope in his heart as he took it from her. Adam’s handwriting was elegant as always, sparking memories of Aglionby and late night study sessions. Opening the letter carefully, Ronan held his breath as he unfolded it, praying it would be something good.  
  
_I can’t do this. We’re over_.  
  
For a moment, Ronan stopped breathing. He felt like his heart stopped beating, too, and when it started up again it beat so violently it hurt.  
  
“Opal,” Ronan said, fighting to keep his voice even, “why don’t you go get started on feeding the cows? I’ll come help you soon.”  
  
Opal looked at him, confused, but thankfully she didn’t question him.  
  
“Okay,” she said, turned around and ran outside.  
  
As soon as she’d left, Ronan broke down. He cried like he hadn’t since he was a small child, barely breathing between the sobs, biting down on his wrist to keep himself from screaming, getting tears and snot all over his sheets.  
  
When his tears stopped falling and he got his breathing under control, he rinsed his face and went out to help Opal with the cows.

 

 

He couldn’t bring himself to tell the others. It was too painful, and he didn’t know how to bring it up anyway. The others had realized long ago that asking Ronan how Adam was doing was useless, since they never talked during the school year.  
  
But then Adam didn’t return to Henrietta for spring break, and the others asked Ronan if he knew why.  
  
Ronan swallowed, and looked away. Gansey and Blue, standing before him, looked so confused and hopeful.  
  
“We broke up,” he managed to get out past the lump in his throat.  
  
Gansey didn’t make a noise, but Blue gasped. When Ronan looked at them, they wore matching shocked expressions.  
  
“B-but _why_?” Gansey sputtered. “You seemed so good together!”  
  
Ronan smiled, bitterly. “We were.”  
  
They didn’t talk about it again.

 

 

Sometimes, Adam called Gansey or Blue or even Henry. When that happened around Ronan, they would all glance at him and then walk away, pretending it was someone else. The first five or six times it happened, Ronan let them. The wound was still too fresh, too painful.  
  
Then it was mid-June, they were all hanging out at Monmouth, and Adam called Gansey. As always, Gansey glanced at Ronan before he picked up, and left the room as he said hello. Ronan watched him go, and the atmosphere in the room was tense for a minute before Henry distracted both Blue and Ronan with something stupid.  
  
When Gansey came back, Ronan asked, “How is he?”  
  
Everyone froze. It was almost funny. Gansey just stared at Ronan, blinking stupidly.  
  
“Who?” he asked finally, brows slowly moving into a supposedly confused frown.  
  
Ronan snorted. “Man, you ain’t winning any Oscars. _Adam_. How is he? Is he doing okay?”  
  
Gansey breathed out slowly, maybe relieved that Ronan didn’t seem like he was about to break.  
  
“Yeah,” he said, coming to sit with the others on the floor again. “Yeah, he’s doing alright. Got some friends, and okay roommate, a part-time job at a bookstore or something.”  
  
Ronan nodded, chewing on the inside of his cheek.  
  
“That’s good,” he murmured. Not looking up at his friends, he continued, quieter now, “does he ever mention me?”  
  
Gansey took a deep breath before he answered this time, which meant Ronan knew what he was going to say before he said it.  
  
“No.”  
  
It hurt, Ronan wouldn’t deny that. It hurt a lot, but so had finding his father dead, and Ronan had lived through that. He could live through this too.


	3. Meant for each other - Adam

Staying at college and not going back to Henrietta was no easy thing. Despite having made lots of friends, Adam felt lonelier than ever before. Being with his new friends just wasn’t as easy and comfortable as being with Gansey and the others.  
  
He refused to let himself think about Ronan, and how easy it had been to be around _him_. It hurt too much.  
  
Instead he studied, probably harder than he needed to, and worked, definitely more than he needed to. Sometimes he even came with his friends to parties, and drank just so he’d sleep easier, and so he wouldn’t dream of Ronan. Sometimes it back-fired and he ended up puking and crying, wishing Ronan was there to stroke his back and soothe him.  
  
On those days, Adam’s roommate looked at him with pity in his eyes, and Adam wanted so bad to punch him until he said, “Who did this to you?”  
  
Then Adam wanted to strangle him.  
  
“Not your fucking business,” he spat, leaving the room and slamming the door behind him.  
  
He had no idea where he was going. It took half an hour, and then Adam regretted his decision to leave. He was only wearing a t-shirt and ripped jeans, had nothing on him but his phone and a five-dollar bill, and he was completely lost. He found a bench to sit down on and took out his phone from his pocket. Opening his contacts, he stared at Ronan’s name for nearly five full minutes before he called Gansey.  
  
“ _Adam_?” he said, sounding disbelieving but not sleepy. “Do you know what time it is?”  
  
“Uh.” Adam didn’t, actually, except that it was late. “I’m lost,” he said instead.  
  
There was a pause on the other end, then a sigh. “I don’t know how to help you. I’m four hours away, you need to get home before that.”  
  
_Home_. Adam refrained from telling Gansey that where he lived now definitely wasn’t home. Henriette was home; the Barns were home; _Ronan_ was home.  
  
He suspected the sob he couldn’t hold back let Gansey know what he was thinking anyway. Gansey sighed again.  
  
“If you send me your GPS coordinates, I’ll come get you.”  
  
“Thank you,” Adam whispered.  
  
Adam fell asleep before Gansey got there, but that was okay. When Gansey woke him up and led him to the car, the sun was already up. Adam had probably freaked out a few people, lying there on the bench in only his t-shirt and ripped jeans, smelling of alcohol. At least no one had robbed him.  
  
When Gansey stopped outside Adam’s dorm, Adam didn’t get out. Gansey looked at him expectantly. Adam sighed, staring stonily out the window.  
  
“I want to go home,” he mumbled.  
  
Gansey didn’t say anything as he started the car and headed for Henrietta.

 

 

Adam stayed in Henrietta for a week, sleeping in Noah’s old room at Monmouth. Ronan came by once, and Adam thought something inside him died a little at the sound of his voice. Of course, Adam stayed in his room, not letting Ronan see or hear him. If he saw Ronan and Ronan saw him, he didn’t know what would happen.  
  
At the end of the week, Adam felt calmer somehow. Perhaps all he’d needed was to spend some time with his true friends.  
  
When Gansey drove him back to college, Adam’s roommate looked at him as if he’d seen a ghost.  
  
“What?” Adam snapped, and didn’t let himself think that he sounded a little like Ronan. Aggressive, hostile, easily aggravated.  
  
“It’s just that you disappeared,” his roommate said, “for an entire week. Without saying anything. I thought you were dead in a ditch somewhere!”  
  
“Well, I’m not. And stay the fuck out of my business.”  
  
Adam’s roommate barely talked to him at all after that.

 

 

It took a while, but Adam eventually got used to it, the Ronan-shaped hole in his chest. He got so used to it that he barely even felt it anymore, and almost never thought of it. Perhaps what helped him the most was meeting Sarah.  
  
They met at one of the parties his friends dragged him to, and it was thanks to her that Adam didn’t, for once, drink himself to near oblivion. He’d never understood, before, why Ronan drank so much and so often. He thought that now he did. It made things easier.  
  
Sarah also made things easier. She smiled at him easily, didn’t ask intrusive questions, talked about the universe with wonder in her voice. By the end of the party, Adam was barely even tipsy. Talking to Sarah had kept him distracted from drinking.  
  
“Can I have your number?” Sarah asked as she was about to leave. “I’d love to talk to you some more!”  
  
Adam couldn’t help but to smile back at her.  
  
“Yeah, of course,” he said. He would be lying if he said he hadn’t enjoyed talking to her.  
  
She procured a pen seemingly out of nowhere, and Adam wrote his number on her underarm. She called him two days later, and they had the longest conversation Adam had had with anyone in a long time. Before he knew it, they had scheduled a study date and a movie date later in the week.

 

 

Being with Sarah was easy. It wasn’t long before they were a couple, and Adam did really like her. It just wasn’t _real_. He knew that from the start. So when, four months into their relationship, Sarah took a deep breath and told Adam, “I think I love you,” Adam just looked at her.  
  
She looked scared, and Adam wished he could love her like she loved him. He sighed, cupping her face in his hands.  
  
“I’m sorry,” he murmured, “I can’t do this.”  
  
Sarah’s face fell and he almost wished he could take the words back. He sighed, putting his arms around her and pulling her to his chest in an embrace. She didn’t hug him back.  
  
“I do like you, a lot. I just… I can’t love you. And that’s not fair to you. I’m sorry.”  
  
Sarah took a deep, shaky breath and pulled away from him.  
  
“Yeah, you’re right,” she choked out, nodding. She wouldn’t meet his eyes. “It’s okay. We had a good time.”  
  
Adam watched her walk away, wishing he could love her.

 

 

Even if what he had with Sarah wasn’t real, it distanced him from his relationship with Ronan. Adam found himself able to think of him, memories of them, with fondness and nostalgia rather than sadness and anger. He stopped tensing up when Gansey or Blue or Henry mentioned Ronan during their phone calls. He even played with the thought of returning to Henrietta for his second Christmas break, but eventually decided it was better he stayed.  
  
“You’re staying this year?” Adam’s roommate asked when, two days after the break had started, Adam was still there.  
  
Adam looked up from his book.  
  
“Yeah. Don’t really have anywhere else to be.”  
  
Adam’s roommate seemed inexplicably saddened by this, but he didn’t say anything more. Both of them got quite a shock when, a few days later, Gansey, Henry and Blue showed up, bearing gifts and sweets and decorations. They were messy and loud, and Adam thought that he had never been happier (it was a lie, but all times he had been happier included Ronan).  
  
Adam’s friends stayed with him for a week, and on New Year’s Day they went back to Henrietta. The expression on Adam’s roommate’s friend said he did very much want to say something, but he kept his mouth shut. Adam wasn’t so sure he still wanted his roommate to be so quiet around him.

 

 

Weeks turned into months turned into years. Before he knew it, Adam was nearly done with his college education. He had a boyfriend, Leo, of six months, and he had traveled to more parts of the world than he ever thought he’d see. Mostly it was thanks to Leo being smart with money and Adam working hard to save up. It was absolutely worth it, Adam thought.  
  
“So now that we just have six months to go,” Leo said one evening, “do you have any plans for what you want to do after?”  
  
Adam shrugged. He hadn’t really thought about it. “Get a job, I suppose.”  
  
Leo snorted. “Yeah, well, more than that. You must have dreams, right?”  
  
Adam wasn’t so sure. He had definitely had dreams, at one point in his life – his dream of getting out of Henrietta had turned into a dream of making a peaceful life for himself with Ronan. It was the first time in a long while that he thought of Ronan. It felt strange, in a way. Adam wondered if he missed Ronan, and if Ronan missed him. It had been nearly five years since they saw each other.  
  
“I don’t know. I used to have dreams, but… I don’t know. Lately I’ve just been thinking of getting through the next day, you know?”  
  
Adam smiled at Leo, or at least he tried to. He must’ve looked a little sad, because Leo looked worried.  
  
“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked, but Adam shook his head.  
  
“No, I just want to sleep. I’m pretty tired.”  
  
But no matter how tired Adam was, he couldn’t sleep. Thoughts of Ronan and the Barns and dream things kept spinning through his mind. Hours after Leo had fallen asleep, Adam gave up and got out of bed, digging out the cardboard box under his bed. It was carefully sealed, labeled _RONAN_ , and covered in dust.  
  
There was a photo of him and Ronan, possibly the only one, Adam kissing Ronan’s cheek and Ronan smiling a truly happy, unguarded smile, the kind no one had thought him capable of before Adam. Blue had taken it, being the little sneak she was. Adam smiled at the picture, wondering if Ronan still looked the same or if he had changed.  
  
There was the hand cream jar Ronan had dreamt for him, empty now but still smelling of it. It brought back so many memories of Ronan holding his hands, caressing them, kissing them. Adam wanted to cry.  
  
There was a shirt that had belonged to Ronan that Adam had stolen. He brought it up to his nose, but it only smelled of dust now.  
  
He would’ve looked at more of the Ronan Box Things if Leo hadn’t let out a groan just then, rolling to the edge of the bed and blinking blearily at Adam. Adam hurriedly threw the shirt in the box and pushed the box under the bed. He was sure he looked guilty, but hoped Leo was too sleepy to notice.  
  
“Adam,” Leo mumbled, voice sleep rough, “what are you doing?”  
  
“Nothing. I couldn’t sleep.”  
  
Leo’s lips moved into a sleepy half-smile. “So you decided to sit on the floor? Come here.”  
  
He stretched out his arms and Adam obeyed, climbing into bed and Leo’s arms.  
  
It didn’t feel as warm and comforting as it had only the night before.

 

 

The six months until graduation passed quickly, and suddenly Adam was a college graduate. To say that he was proud was an understatement, but he still felt like there was something missing.  
  
“So what do you want to do to celebrate?” Leo asked him after the ceremony, looking at him with a bright smile. Adam smiled back at him.  
  
“I think… I want to go see my friends.”  
  
Adam hadn’t told Leo about his life in Henrietta at all. Whenever Leo asked, Adam had just said he didn’t want to talk about it, so all Leo knew was that Adam came from Henrietta and that he didn’t have a good relationship with his parents.  
  
Leo laughed. “But your friends are right here,” he said, a little confused.  
  
“No.” Adam shook his head. “I mean my true friends. From Henrietta.”  
  
“Oh.” Leo stared at him for a moment, serious now. “You want me to come with?”  
  
Adam wasn’t sure he wanted Leo to come with him, but Leo seemed excited and curious, so he shrugged.  
  
“If you want to.”

 

 

Adam had intended to drive directly to Monmouth and, if his friends weren’t there, to 300 Fox Way. But when he came to Henrietta, he found himself driving toward the Barns. Leo, in the passenger seat, looked at Adam.  
  
“So, what are your friends like?”  
  
Adam was silent for a minute. Then, he sighed.  
  
“We’re not… This isn’t the way to my friends.”  
  
Leo looked confused. “No? Then where are we going? Are we going to see your parents?”  
  
Adam couldn’t help the surprised laugh. “No. Not my parents. Never them.” He paused, mulling over how he should put it. “There’s someone I think I need to tell you about.”  
  
And he told Leo about Ronan. He told him about Ronan’s anger and violence, but also his selflessness and love. He told him about how much Ronan had meant to him once, and how they had fallen apart.  
  
“But I think… I don’t know.” Adam sighed. “I felt like something was missing, and I think maybe it’s him.”  
  
Leo was silent for a long moment after Adam was done talking.  
  
“So what you’re saying is, you’ve never loved anyone like you loved this guy?” he said finally. Adam nodded. “Not even me?”  
  
Adam took his eyes off the road for a minute to look at Leo. “I’m sorry.”  
  
“Okay.” Leo sighed. He smiled sadly. “I guess this is how we fall apart, huh?”  
  
Adam didn’t tell him that he didn’t think they could fall apart like that if they hadn’t truly loved each other.

 

 

If it wasn’t for the car parked outside, Adam would’ve thought no one was home. It was no longer the grey BMW he’d known and loved. This car was matte black, which made Adam smile a little. It suited Ronan.  
  
The front door to the house opened at the same time as Adam got out of the car. Just like when he’d come back for Christmas break that first year, Ronan just stared at him. Just like that first year, Adam walked up to him until he was so close he could feel the heat radiating off Ronan’s body, and hear his breathing. Leo stayed in the car, which Adam thought was a good decision.  
  
“Adam,” Ronan said, and his voice was quiet and soft. Adam almost flinched.  
  
Now that he was here, he didn’t know what to say. He just stared at Ronan, drinking him in. He was as beautiful now as he’d been five years ago. His hair had grown out a little and he had a scar on his jaw, but that was all that had changed.  
  
“ _Adam_ ,” Ronan said again, sharper now. “Why are you here? You can’t just show up like this.”  
  
“I…” Adam started, but he still didn’t know what to say. He swallowed and forced himself to look away. “I missed you.” He took a deep breath, closed his eyes. “I think I still love you.”  
  
He swore Ronan stopped breathing for a moment. Then he exploded, all rage and pain and hostility.  
  
“What the fuck!” he spat, baring his teeth at Adam. “You can’t just show up here after five years of _nothing,_ Parrish! I’d almost gotten over you, and you-“  
  
He gestured wildly to Adam and the car behind him.  
  
“You show up here with, what, your fucking _boyfriend_?! To rub it in my face?”  
  
Ronan probably would’ve continued yelling and swearing if Adam hadn’t grabbed his shirt and kissed him. He wasn’t sure why he did it – it was something about that special brand of Ronan Rage that made him feel all wound up, and he didn’t know how to let it out.  
  
“I’m the one who gave you _nothing_?” he hissed when he pulled back. He was still holding Ronan’s shirt in a tight grip, faces millimeters apart, spit flying from Adam’s mouth as he spoke. He didn’t care. “You didn’t pick up the phone, didn’t read my texts, didn’t answer my emails! You’re the one who gave me _nothing_!”  
  
Adam ran out of words, or maybe he paused because he expected Ronan to yell back at him again. Instead, Ronan just stared at him for a moment.  
  
Then, “God, Parrish, you are so beautiful,” and he kissed Adam hard.  
  
“I missed you so much,” Ronan breathed when he pulled back, speaking against Adam’s lips, into his mouth.  
  
Adam seized the opportunity to take a deep breath, breathing Ronan in. He smelled like sweat and magic and cows. He smelled like _home_.  
  
“I missed you too,” Adam whispered back, and kissed Ronan again.  
  
“Come inside,” Ronan murmured, pulling on Adam’s shirt.  
  
Adam pulled away. “Wait,” he breathed, “what do we do about _him_?” He cocked his head toward the car, and Leo inside it.  
  
Ronan sneered. “ _Him_.” But then he glanced at Adam, and seemed to calm a little. Adam wasn’t naïve enough to think the past five years would stop mattering just like that, but right now both he and Ronan needed this. They’d deal with their problems later.  
  
“Well, how weak is he?” Ronan asked. “Can he deal with staying in a house of dreams for a day or two?”  
  
Adam thought about the various dream things that had been scattered around the house for Ronan’s entire life, and the various things Ronan could have dreamed up during the time Adam wasn’t there.  
  
“Eh. He’ll deal.”

 

 

“So, uh… what the fuck is this?” Leo asked later that evening, holding up a Rubik’s cube that shifted colors when you twisted it, so no matter what you did it was always solved.  
  
He had taken Ronan and Adam’s invitation to stay until either of them could drive him back surprisingly well. He didn’t seem exactly happy, but he didn’t say anything and he stayed out of their way.  
  
Adam froze, looking at Ronan. Ronan just shrugged. _Tell him the truth or lie, I don’t care._  
  
“Look,” Adam started, “you’re probably not going to believe me, but… Ronan can do things.”  
  
Leo just stared. “Do things?”  
  
“Yeah, like. Take things out of dreams.”  
  
Ronan snorted, obviously amused at Adam’s inability to communicate properly. Adam just glared at him. It felt just like old times. Here at the Barns with Ronan, Adam still felt eighteen.  
  
There was silence for a moment, but then Leo started laughing.  
  
“Oh man,” he said, shaking his head. “You got me good.”  
  
He threw the eternally solved Rubik’s cube to the side, apparently deciding it must be some kind of gag gift, and left the room. Adam looked at Ronan, surprised, but Ronan just shrugged again.  
  
“People will believe what they’re capable of believing.”  
  
“Are you capable of believing I never stopped thinking about you?” Adam didn’t know where the words came from, but there they were.  
  
Ronan looked away, but his voice was soft when he answered. “Maybe. Just give me some time.”

 

 

It was the following day that Adam and Ronan simultaneously came to the decision that Leo had to go. It happened when Leo met Opal. The day before she had been outside or sleeping, and so managed to stay out of Leo’s sight, but now she came excitedly galloping inside, cradling something in her hands and yelling for Ronan – barefoot.  
  
Leo didn’t seem to notice anything off at first, but then he flew up from the couch, eyes wide.  
  
“What the fuck! Does she have hooves?!”  
  
Opal froze, turning to look at Leo. Leo stared back. Adam looked between Leo and Opal and Opal’s hooves. Ronan appeared beside Opal, also staring at Leo.  
  
“I told you,” Adam said finally. “Ronan makes dream things real.”  
  
He and Ronan looked at each other for a moment and then Adam, very unceremoniously, led Leo outside to the car.  
  
“I’m driving you back.”  
  
Leo didn’t protest.

 

 

Adam ended up staying at the Barns for three weeks without any of their friends knowing. The first few days were amazing – they kissed and slept and cuddled and had sex and spent hours just looking at each other. They talked, too, catching up with what had happened during the time Adam was gone.  
  
Opal had grown, albeit slower than normal children. She seemed to be around sixteen now, but still behaved like a child. Ronan had gotten horses, which Opal loved.  
  
Adam told Ronan about his studies and his job, his travels alone and with friends and with Leo. Ronan’s face was stony then, but Adam could read the jealousy in his eyes.  
  
“I wanted to be the one to show me the world,” he said when Adam fell quiet:  
  
Adam reached a hand out to touch Ronan’s cheek. “I know. And you did.” _You showed me that I can love_.  
  
Even if he didn’t say the words out loud, Ronan seemed to understand.


	4. Meant for each other - Ronan

Ronan had started getting better during the months with Adam, but when they broke up, he got worse again. There was more beer and vodka and whiskey and more frequently than there had been in months. At one point it even got so bad that Gansey threatened to take his car away and let the women of Fox Way have Opal.  
  
It got better after that, because Opal meant more to Ronan than he’d ever admit. Sometimes he felt like, now that Adam was gone, she was everything he had left. He did still have Gansey and Blue and Henry, but they didn’t quite make him happy and calm like Adam did.  
  
Forgetting Adam was hard when his presence was all over the Barns, but Ronan had been right when he thought he could live through this. The first half year was the worst, until Gansey threatened to take Opal and his car away. The next six months weren’t easy, either, Ronan being continuously reminded of Adam.  
  
Opal talked about him all the time, wondering when he would come back. Ronan hadn’t been able to bring himself to tell her that Adam wasn’t coming back at all.  
  
Some of Adam’s clothes were still in his wardrobe and drawers. A bottle of Adam’s shampoo still stood in the shower. Adam’s books were on his shelves. Things he’d dreamed for Adam littered the entire house.  
  
When Ronan couldn’t take it anymore he’d take the BMW and drive aimlessly around Henrietta, but he found even his car reminded him of Adam. He parked it in the garage and bought a new one, a ridiculously expensive one that Adam would never like.  
  
He wasn’t sure it helped him feel better. It did help fade the memories of Adam, but no matter how much it hurt to remember, Ronan wasn’t sure he wanted to forget.  
  
Eventually, he and Opal fell into a kind of rhythm, taking care of the Barns and all its creatures, hanging out with Gansey, Blue and Henry, dreaming things they needed and things they didn’t need. It got easier and easier, the more time that passed.  
  
Until the motherfucker had to come back. Ronan didn’t believe his ears when Opal came running to him, yelling that Adam was back.  
  
“Are you sure you’re not mistaken?” Ronan asked.  
  
Opal shook her head. The girl was over the moon, practically vibrating with happiness. Ronan sighed and got up, moving to the hallway and the front door.  
  
And there he was. Ronan’s breath got stuck in his throat, his heart froze in his chest, his stomach dropped to his toes.  
  
It was Adam. Adam, with his dirt-blond hair, his blue eyes, his callous, dry hands. Adam, with his intelligence and his anger and his smile. Adam, Adam, Adam.  
  
Before Ronan had a chance to gather his thoughts, Adam was standing in front of him.  
  
“Adam,” was all he could get out.  
  
It sounded like he used to say it, soft and loving. Adam looked like Ronan had been about to hit him, and that was all Ronan’s senses needed to come back to him.  
  
“ _Adam_. Why are you here? You can’t just show up like this.” _I’d only just gotten my life together again_.  
  
“I… I missed you,” Adam whispered, and Ronan felt like he’d been punched. “I think I still love you.”  
  
_Don’t_ , Ronan wanted to tell him, _don’t break my heart again. Leave, before you hurt me so much I can’t be put back together_. _I love you, I love you, I love you. Leave me alone_.  
  
What came out was, “What the fuck! You can’t just show up here after five years of _nothing_ , Parrish!”  
  
This was when he glanced behind Adam, and noticed the stranger in the car.  
  
“I’d almost gotten over you and you, you—you show up here with, what, your fucking _boyfriend_?! To rub it in my face?”  
  
Ronan prayed that the stranger in the car wasn’t Adam’s boyfriend. That would make the fact that, really, all Ronan wanted to do was kiss Adam. Angrily. He wanted to kiss Adam angrily, because he was pissed, but Adam’s lips looked too inviting, too familiar, too much like love.  
  
If Adam hadn’t grabbed him by the shirt just then, Ronan would’ve continued screaming, spewing venom and heartbreak all over Adam. For a moment, he got even angrier that Adam had interrupted him, but then he realized that Adam was kissing him. And, God, if this wasn’t all he’d wanted for _years_.  
  
It was over too soon, Adam pulling away, and now it was Adam who yelled.  
  
“I’m the one who gave you _nothing_?” he hissed. He was still clutching Ronan’s shirt and he was so close that Ronan could smell his hair. “You didn’t pick up the phone, didn’t read my texts, didn’t answer my emails! You’re the one who gave me _nothing_!”  
  
It wasn’t that Ronan didn’t listen. He did hear what Adam said, he did listen, he wanted to apologize. It was just that he hadn’t seen Adam’s face in so long, and somehow he was still just as beautiful as when they were eighteen, if not more. It was all he could think about right then – Adam’s face and his beauty.  
  
“God, Parrish, you are so beautiful,” he said when he realized Adam had stopped yelling, and kissed him.  
  
Suddenly, it was like nothing had changed. It was as if Adam had only been gone a few months, not five years.  
  
“I missed you so much,” he whispered against Adam’s lips, and when Adam responded in kind Ronan almost wondered if he was dreaming.  
  
The only way he knew he was awake was because in his dreams, Adam had long since gotten over him and was happy with someone else.

 

 

The whole thing ended with Adam and his ex staying. Ronan thought it was a little awkward with Leo around, but he didn’t say anything. As long as Adam was there, he was content.  
  
That, of course, didn’t stop him from feeling really relieved and happy when Adam drove Leo back. He was worried for a bit that Adam wouldn’t come back, that he would just leave again, but he told himself he didn’t need to worry – and he didn’t.  
  
Adam came back, smiling, and greeted him with a kiss.  
  
Adam stayed for three weeks, and neither of them told any of the others anything. Adam, Ronan and Opal were the only ones who knew. It was, perhaps, the best three weeks of Ronan’s life.  
  
It wasn’t like everything was perfect. Adam had been gone for five years, after all, but Ronan was sure they’d be able to get through it. He still felt comfortable and at home around Adam, and Adam seemed to feel the same.  
  
“It’s a bit weird,” Ronan said as they were about to sleep one night. He was holding his own and Adam’s hands above him, comparing them and playing with Adam’s fingers. He still loved Adam’s hands so much. “That I still feel this comfortable around you. Isn’t it?”  
  
Adam opened his eyes and turned his head to look at Ronan.  
  
“Maybe. But I suppose that’s how it is when you find true love.”  
  
In spite of himself, Ronan felt his face crack up in a sappy smile. “Oh, shut up.”  
  
Adam laughed, and it was so easy. So easy to just wrap his arms around Adam, breathe in the scent of his hair, and fall asleep. It was so easy to love.

 

 

Gansey came to check up on Ronan one day, since he hadn’t heard from him for weeks. It wasn’t unusual – Ronan was still bad at using his phone, even if he had gotten better. Now, he was sure that if Adam called, he would be able to pick up.  
  
“Have you gotten a new car?” Gansey asked as he stepped inside, pointing over his shoulder with a thumb. “I don’t recognize the one outside.”  
  
“No,” Ronan said. “No, it’s…”  
  
He trailed off when something behind Ronan’s shoulder caught Gansey’s attention, and Gansey’s eyes went wide.  
  
“ _Adam_?”  
  
He stepped around Ronan and put his hands on Adam’s shoulders, as if he needed to make sure he wasn’t hallucinating. Adam looked slightly confused.  
  
“Is it really you?”  
  
Adam blinked at Gansey. “It’s really me.”  
  
“What are you doing here?” Gansey’s voice was at once disbelieving and amazed as he leaned forward to give Adam a hug. He moved slowly, dreamily. Ronan suspected he wondered if he was dreaming, just as Ronan had when Adam first showed up. “I thought I’d never see you in Henrietta again, and definitely not _here_.”  
  
Adam pulled free from Gansey’s arms and looked at him with a small smile.  
  
“Well, I felt like something was missing from my life.” He shrugged. “I think it was home.”  
  
Ronan almost gasped at that. They’d talked a lot during the weeks Adam had been there, but Adam hadn’t said anything like this – that this was home to him. It almost made tears come to Ronan’s eyes.  
  
“Well, have you…” Gansey looked between them, brow furrowed, lip between his teeth, “have you guys worked it out?”  
  
“Yeah.” Adam smiled and moved to stand beside Ronan, putting an arm around his shoulders, even as he had to stretch a little to do so. “Yeah, we have.”  
  
Something settled in Ronan’s chest at the words and the confidence Adam said them with. It was like his heart came to rest with a content sigh, whispering _I am home._  
  
Gansey was smiling broadly now. “Well, this calls for celebration! I’ll call Blue.”  
  
He went off to do just that, and Adam turned to Ronan with a wide smile on his face. It was that true smile, the smile Ronan had once thought he would start wars for – and he still would.  
  
“Home, huh?” Ronan said, but he was smiling too.  
  
Adam poked his side. “Yeah. This is home – Henrietta, the Barns… You.”  
  
Ronan thought about teasing him for being so sappy, but instead he just smiled and leaned in to give Adam a soft kiss.  
  
“Welcome home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for this utter mess of a fic. I will try to do better next time lol. Hit me up on [tumblr](http://perfectlyfuckincivil.tumblr.com/) with prompts or headcanons or just to talk to me, i'm always up for ranting about most things tbh


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